Thumper, fresh from the high hopes of dinner, wandered the halls of the fraternity house. He was of the mindset that one set of advice was never enough. In fact, two or three sets of advice usually weren't enough for him either. Thumper loved to seek the guidance of just about every individual who was willing to give it. That's not to say that Thumper was controlled by others. Far from it. I myself, in fact, often grew frustrated with Thumper's independent streak. He would ask my advice on every topic under the sun and yet he never seemed to follow it. Perhaps I'm just a bad mentor. If he had asked my opinion on his current endeavor, I would have told him to wait for the perfect opportunity with a woman he understood--perhaps over the summer months when he could parlay the brief intensity of short term love into that rite of pleasure that would allow him to enter the ranks of manhood. But Thumper wanted to get laid that night and there was nothing I could have said to change his mind.
So instead of coming to my door, Thumper went to that of Cooper. Thumper knocked on Cooper's half-open door and poked his head inside. "Hey, bro," he said. "You mind if I come in?"
Cooper sat on the floor in his underwear. Thumper saw the toned, tan muscles of his back moving subtly as he stretched his arms out to the ends of his spread legs. Cooper finished his exercises before slowly turning his head around.
"Come on in." Cooper moved his legs in and pressed the soles of his feet together. He pressed his elbows down on his knees and tilted his head toward the floor. "What can I do for you?"
"What are you doing?"
"It's a form of sexual yoga I invented. Stretching out all the muscles, tendons, and ligaments that are crucial in giving a woman, or women, pleasure during the act of lovemaking."
"Cool. May I join you?"
"I'd prefer that you didn't," Cooper said. He lifted himself into a crab position and put his weight on the balls of his feet. His back arched and he thrust his pelvis into the air. He let out a long exhale that bordered on a moan.
Thumper looked around the room. Cooper eschewed the normal fluorescent lights on the ceiling of every room in the house. Instead, his room was dimly lit by lamps covered with red silk clothes. His walls were covered with quotes, written in sharpie (this was college, of course), from various philosophers and authors in their original languages; Nietzsche, Dostoevsky, Voltaire, Dante, Ovid. The quotes seemed to expand with each new text that Cooper studied. His bed was the biggest in the house and the rumor was that it was the same model that the Sultan of Bahrain slept on. The air contained the faint scent of Indian Breakfast Tea.
"Only three more hours until tonight's party," Thumper said.
"I know. And I still have to shower and give my pubes a trim."
"Do girls like that?"
Cooper gave a little chuckle as he turned over onto his belly and began to do diamond push-ups. "Girls like whatever you tell them to like."
"Damn straight, bro."
Cooper continued to do his diamond push-ups.
"You got a girl in mind for tonight?" Thumper asked.
"Well," Cooper's pace grew faster. Perspiration began to form on his flushed brow. "There's a couple that I've had my eye on. But I may go with the old standby."
"Which one's that?"
Cooper hopped to his feet and rolled his neck back and forth. "That girl Christina." Cooper began to do Hindu Squats. "I don't know what it is about her. She just has, like, the perfect vagina. The way it feels around my dick. I don't believe in soul mates or true love or anything like that. But, biologically speaking, we were made for each other."
"Cool, man." Thumper looked around the room and wondered when he would find that vagina that was made for him (biologically speaking). "Pat and Bob said they would help me find a girl tonight."
"Those jokers?" Cooper said with a mild scoff that may have just been a grunt from his Hindu Squats. "I love the guys, but they are not who you should be going to for woman advice." Apparently Cooper hadn't read the first paragraph of this entry. "They're gonna tell you to aim low, go for the first girl that shows interest. They're wrong. You're not a bottom feeder. You can have any girl you want. You need to remember that deep down hot girls are insecure. That's why they put themselves together the way they do. They want you to hit on them because they want to give it up. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna help you out tonight."
"You will?"
"I'm going to get you that hottest girl that shows up tonight. Well," he corrected himself, "the second hottest."
"I'd take the fifth hottest if--"
"No," Cooper cut him off. "You've already forgotten the first lesson: Never settle."
Thumper nodded. He marvelled at how generous his friends had been with their time and expertise.
No comments:
Post a Comment