She was stunning. Her name was Julia. She was a freshman. Her glossy dark hair hung down straight over her tan shoulders, which were strong from years of varsity swim practice. She was taller than Thumper, but this was hardly a roadblock in his mind.
"Wow," Thumper said. "She's beautiful."
"Yes she is," Cooper said.
"You really think she'll sleep with me?"
"Trust me," he said with a smirk. "She puts out."
Cooper and Thumper approaches Julia, who was surrounded by a gaggle of less attractive friends. They all awkwardly held plastic cups full of beer in their limp wrists. Hard-drinkin', fun-times Fat Chicks these were not.
"Hey Julia," Cooper said, putting his arm around her waist.
Julia instinctively squirmed away from his touch. "Hi Cooper."
"I feel like I haven't seen you since the first week of school."
"This is my first time back since then," she said.
"You're missing out!" said Thumper.
"Julia, I'd like to introduce you to a friend of mine. This is Thumper."
Thumper held out his hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you."
Julia limply shook it. "These are my friends. Betty, Katey, Ali, Jessica, Katie, and Jess."
Thumper shook hands with each of them. As he did so, Cooper leaned toward Julia and whispered something in her ear. Once again, she attempted to escape his grasp.
"Can I get any of you ladies a drink?" Thumper asked.
They lifted their still full beers.
"I can't believe you're not drinking."
"I think we might leave soon," Julia said, still trying to put distance between herself and Cooper.
"Really? I can't believe you'd leave so soon. The party just got started."
"Yeah girls," Cooper said. "Stay and have a good time."
"If you want, I can bump you to the front of the Cups line," Thumper offered.
"That's okay," Julia said.
"Excuse us. Me and my boy here need to take a quick timeout."
Cooper pulled Thumper aside and began whispering in his ear. "Thumper, you gotta get in there man. Haven't you been doing your homework?"
"I know, but you've been next to her the whole time."
"I'm helping you by doing that, brah. See, girls want you to fight over them. But in our modern, civilized society you have to do it in a more subtle way. Like, just position yourself between me and her and she'll know that you're willing to fight for her."
"Oh."
"And don't be afraid of body contact and touching. Did you see how I was doing it there?"
"Yeah. That was smooth."
"Anybody could do it. This girl is yours, brah."
"Okay!"
"Ready to get back in there?"
"I'm ready to get my dick soaking wet."
"Okay, well, don't tell her that. There's some immediate biological turnoffs."
Cooper returned to Julia's side and once again put his arm around her waist. Thumper strutted up to them and began trying to wedge his body between them. In the process, he jostled the beer out of Julia's hand and onto her shirt.
"We're leaving."
"Sorry, baby," Thumper said, placing his arm around her shoulders. "We can go up to my room and get you a new shirt."
"Good-bye." Julia and her friends stalked off.
"Hold on, brah. All is not lost." Cooper followed the girls toward the door.
"What's her problem?" Thumper said to himself. He began drinking the still half-full beers that Julia's friends had left. When he reached for the last one, a hand swiped it away. Thumper looked up to find Bob chugging the beer. Pat stood next to him, judgment beaming from his eyes.
"Well, well, well..." Pat said.
"Cash in that V-Card yet?" asked Bob.
"Did you see that girl that Cooper tried to hook me up with?"
"Thumper, Cooper never does anything for anyone unless he thinks there's something in it for him," Bob said.
"Oh. Well have you guys found anyone for me yet?"
"No, we haven't," Bob said. "And after you ditched us for Cooper, I don't think we're going to."
"But--"
"You made your choice!" Pat yelled, his Accusatory Finger firmly planted in Thumper's chest.
What was Thumper to do now?
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